My Journal
by Wishlist93
Summary: Scully POV... maybe he holds her in his arms and let her cuddle up against him. The very thought of it makes me sick! I need him. I love him. I can't do this anymore. MSR!Oneshot.


Title: My Journal

Rating: K+

Disclaimer: I do not own The X-Files or any characters.

Summary: Scully POV... maybe he holds her in his arms and let her cuddle up against him. The very thought of it makes me sick! I need him. I love him. I can't do this anymore.

English isn't my first language, I'm German and just 15...so please be nice )

Please review )

**My Journal**

_I can't do this anymore. Two weeks ago Diana Fowley appeared and everything got out of control...well, that's just what I think, Mulder seems very happy when Agent Fowley is around. I really like to see him happy, I love his smile...but why Diana? Why her and not me? It drives me crazy. The way he looks at her, he did never look this way at me...did he? No , I don't think so. It hurts so much, it breaks my heart. I love him...so much but I could never tell him.__I wish he would be here with me right now. I want to look at him, talk to him...just be with him. He is probably at Dianas place right now, maybe he holds her in his arms and let her cuddle up against him. The very thought of it makes me sick! I need him. I love him. I can't do this anymore. _

I finished writing in my journal just as my cell phone rang.

„Scully" , I said

„Hey Scully, it's me"

„Mulder, what's up?"

„ I just wanted to know why you left the office so early today...", he asked.

„I...I didn't feel well..." , I stuttered

„Why didn't you tell me? Are you okay now?" , he sounded worried.

„I'm fine" , I whispered

„You're not"

„I am fine, Mulder!" , I said louder this time.

„All right, Scully. See you tomorrow"

„Yeah..." , I mumbled before I hung up.

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_...In the morning, when I came into our office, Diana was sitting on Mulders desk, while Mulder was writing a report...they were talking. Mulder hasn't even looked at me, I think he didn't even realize I was there, so I just walked away. It did hurt so much...I got in my car, as tears began to stream down my face. I just couldn't hold them back anymore. I drove home...My cell phone rang a couple of times, it was probably Mulder, but I didn't want to talk to him. He did leave a message on my answering machine too: „Hey Scully, it's me. Are you all right? Is something wrong? I'm worried about you, you weren't at work today...please call me."_

_You weren't at work today, my ass! I can't believe it! Maybe I should let Diana have him...she is tall, smart and beautiful, she is everything I'm not._

I had to call him, the last thing I needed was that he came over...I didn't want to see him. So I called.

„Mulder" , he answered the phone.

„Mulder, it's me..."

„Scully...where have you been? I was worried about you"

„I know. I got your message", I said softly.

„Do you want to talk, Scully? Can I come over?" , he asked.

„No! No...it's okay. I'm fine"

„You sure?"

I took a deep breath...

„Yeah..." , I said

„So...I see you tomorrow?"

„I...I'm not so sure" , I said quietly.

„What? Why, Scully?"

„I...just, just forget it, Mulder" , I told him.

„No I can't. Are you hurt or something?"

„You might say that..." , I whispered

„What happened?" , he asked worried.

„Nothing happened"

„Scully, please tell me" , he begged.

„I don't wanna talk about it"

„But I want to talk about it, Scully"

„Okay, we will. But not now. I want to sleep, I'm tired. I'll call you"

„All right, Scully. I tell Skinner you don't feel well..." , he said softly.

„Thank you, Mulder"

„No problem.Good Night, Scully"

„Night" , I whispered and hung up.

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_I'm at my moms place now. I don't have my journal with me...I must have forgotten it at home. Because of that, I write on a piece of paper. It´s 14 o'clock PM, Mulder is probably still at work...I hope he is. I talked to my mom about Mulder. She told me how I feel...that was weird, she knew exactly how I feel. Is it that obvious? Maybe Mulder knows how I feel too...no! If he does, he wouldn't be like this, would he? No, he would never want to hurt me like this...but he is hurting me. I should tell him, my mom said. I can't. I can't tell him. Maybe I should get completely out of his life and accept that he wants to be with Diana instead of me. I don't blame him...Diana is beautiful, I'm not. Diana is smart, I'm not. Diana is tall, I'm not. Diana is everything I'm not. Yesterday on the phone I told him I would call him...maybe I should. Yeah, I should call him now._

I took out my cell phone and dialed the number of our office.

„Mulder"

„Hey Mulder"

„Oh, hi Scully, what are you doing?"

„I am at my mothers. Are you alone?"

„Yeah, I'm alone. You aren't here...it's pretty boring. Scully, it's the third time we speak on the phone, what's going on? You can tell me...Scully you sound sad and unhappy. Scully?? Hey Scully are you still with me?"

„...Yeah...I'm sorry" , I sobbed

„Hey, are you crying?" , he asked gently.

„No" , I said shakily „listen...I need to go. I talk to you later"

„Scully. Wait!" , he shouted but I quickly hang up and bursted into tears. I hated to be this vulnerable, it was so unlike me, but I couldn't do anything about it. I was in love, deeply in love.

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I was on my way back home. It was 9 o'clock PM, darkness had come. It didn't take long to reach my apartment, only 45 minutes. I climbed she stairs and let myself in my apartment. I took off my coat and walked slowly towards the couch. I got a shock...a figure was sitting there. I quickly grabbed my gun and turned on the light...it was Mulder. He didn't say anything, he sat with his head in his hands.

„Mulder...?" I said out loud.

He quickly got up from the couch and looked at me.

„Scully" , he whispered.

„What are you doing here, Mulder?" , I asked him

„I...I thought you would be home. I wanted to make sure you're all right...but you weren't here, so I decided to wait. I sat down and looked around...and then I found this..." , he said as he showed her a small book.

„My Journal? Mulder how could you" , I yelled with tears in my eyes.

„I'm sorry..."

„I can't believe that you read it. Mulder, I hate you! Get out of my life!" I cried as I walked straight to him and slapped him hard across his face. His eyes filled with tears and I suddenly regretted what I've done.

I broke down. I fell on the floor and laid my head in my hands, I cried like I never did before. I just spoiled my best friendship I ever had. I slapped the man I am so deeply in love with. Everything went wrong.

„Oh god, what did I do" , I said trembling. Suddenly I felt a touch on my shoulder, Mulder laid an arm around me. I didn't look at him. He bent over me and turned me around, so that I was laying on my back. He took me in his arms and held me close. I sobbed into his shoulder, as he stroked my hair and placed kisses on it. I could tell he was crying too, I felt it, I felt his wet tears on my neck.

I took a deep breath before I spoke...

„Mulder, I'm so sorry. Please forgive me" , I whispered

„I forgive you, Scully. I'm sorry too..." , he said softly

„You don't have to be sorry. You didn't do anything wrong, Mulder"

„Yes I did, Scully. I did hurt you so much, I'm so sorry..."

„It still hurts..." I said quietly after several minutes.

With that Mulder pulled slightly away. I looked down on the ground.

„Look at me, Scully" , I heard him whispering. I closed my eyes for a moment, when I opened them I found myself looking at him. I looked him straight in the eyes. He wiped away all my tears.

„You are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. You are gorgeous, Scully. I love you, I love everything about you" , he said and he meant it, I saw it in his eyes. They were full of love.

Again tears were running down my cheeks, but for the first time there were tears of joy.

„Oh god, I can't believe you just said that...I love you too, so much."

I wrapped my arms around his neck, he pulled me up on his lap. I smiled.

„We are still sitting on the floor " , I said and let a small giggle escape my lips.

„Do you want to move to the couch?"

„To tell the truth...I don't wanna move at all" , I told him smiling.

„Me neither"

We sat like this for a while; in each others arms. I pulled away to look at him. He smiled. We both leaned forward and let our noses touch each other in an Eskimo kiss. We both giggled at the contact. Slowly Mulder let his lips brush mine...so softly and emotional. He pulled away. Amazing. That was perfect. Not rough or hurried...so gentle and tender. I took his hands in mine and gave them a squeeze.

„Promise me one thing, Mulder"

„What is that?" , he asked softly, while stroking my cheek.

„Please, don't ever leave me"

„I will never leave you, Scully. I'm yours, forever"

_The End_


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